Are you sure that he is really a “he”?

Let me please preface this with the fact that the opinions I express are solely my own. Additionally, I encourage you to read this in its entirety before you form your own opinions so you’ve had a chance to absorb some perspective.

But yes, we are here today to discuss the popular existence of “real life” women whose Second Life characters appear to be men. For years Second Life was notorious for the large population of “real life” males that would choose female characters and otherwise living as females in Second Life. While there was a healthy number of people who are actually transgender and actively transitioning in “real life” (thus, utilizing Second Life as a great outlet for this) there were many that would keep their “real life”gender identity a secret or simply mislead, while carrying on relations(hips) in Second Life with a partner none the wiser.

Nowadays, it’s pretty common knowledge that if someone’s “real life” gender matters to you when it comes to someone you are interested in, one of the first things you should do is have a conversation with them on voice. If someone insists they can’t speak on voice (no mic, don’t have privacy etc) then it’s a good rule of thumb to be cautious and not get too involved until they can voice-verify. They may have a “real life partner they’re not disclosing, or are not being honest about their “real life” gender identity.

But, I digress. There was always a stigma among women to prove they were women and not “a man in disguise” by men who were interested in them. Having to say “voice verified” (which isn’t really a verification process in SL, by the way) or “can voice verify” became the norm in a lot of profiles. Men started reverse searching the “real life” pictures women would share to make sure they weren’t being catfished or tricked by another man before jumping on a pose ball.

However, male avatars weren’t always held to the same level of scrutiny.

Now, there are many “real life” women who choose to exist in Second Life with male avatars or masculine female avatars and are 100% transparent about it. That’s not even an issue, and I appreciate the honesty. But there seems to be a quiet growth of women who impersonate men simply because they know it would be easier to land a date as a man rather than as a woman.

While this might seem counter-intuitive, I had been in that exact situation with someone that I had always suspected was actually female outside of Second Life. Mind you, as someone who essentially has a non-preference sexually, it didn’t really matter to me. But they didn’t realize this and carried on like they were actually male offline. They sent pictures of someone that I was easily able to see wasn’t them (thanks, Google reverse searches) and ultimately when I insisted on meeting offline so I knew  I wouldn’t be wasting time, they bolted. It was almost two years later before they would admit the truth.

While this could have easily of been  singular instance, it’s far from that. And while some of the “red flags” should make it obvious, some women get into relationships in SL with people that won’t verify for the same reasons some women wouldn’t verify that they were actually women.

Second Life is supposed to be a place where you can be anything you want to be, and that is what makes it beautiful. But, on the flip side, is there a code of ethics? Are we responsible for making sure that we’re honest about our “real life” selves?

I have actually heard arguments on both sides of the fence, but I boiled it down to a very simple opinion:

If you are investing offline feelings, or someone is investing the same in you, you better fess up. From personal experience it can only go so far until you have to either face it or walk away, and either can leave you by yourself if you haven’t been honest. Don’t carry on being someone or something you are not if it comes from a place of needed a void to be filled or otherwise avoiding loneliness in a manipulative way.

Bria Oceanside

ZoHa Blogger/Social Media

Are you micro cheating?

The evolution of technology has led us to some pretty unfamiliar territory when it comes to how we behave outside of our relationships, how we find love and how we can start veering in the the “infidelity” territory. When it came to cheating, it used to be a lot more cut and dry than it’s become today. There was physically cheating, and then there were emotional affairs. It was, in its own way, uncomplicated.

But then, the phenomenon of micro cheating emerged.

Micro cheating is, in a nutshell, much that is inappropriate for you to do when you are already in a relationship. This can include flirting (even if just online), getting excited when you see someone’s name pop up on your timeline or friend’s list, posting things on social media hoping “someone” will see it, purposely liking photos and posts of an ex, and hiding your phone. The idea behind micro cheating is that it can be a gateway to actual cheating….a cheating stepping stone, if you will.

Now we have a slew of ways we can talk to people without our significant other being aware: social media, texting, Skype, even Craigslist if you’re that eager. It’s easier to discreetly plan out no-strings situations and move on with your life with a blissfully unaware (or intentionally blind) partner back at home. It gives us access to ex’s, to strangers, and to always keep options open if you get seduced into the “grass is always greener” mindset through the plethora of swiping opportunities.

And then, we have Second Life, this beautiful and boundless space that we all share. It is a massive world filled with incredible diversity and……plenty of people that are unhappily spoken for in the real world.

You often see people who clearly state that they are taken in real life, but will blatantly try to talk to you in a non-platonic way. Sometimes there’s nudes they try to share, or they simply want you to grace them with your presence when they log. Sometimes folks seek out sexual “encounters”. In some way shape or form they will seek out the attention of people that coax that interest out of them.

Since roleplay is such a huge part of this virtual space, so comes the opportunities to roleplay as families and with virtual partners. While many keep it online and make no plans to take it offline, more often than not there are genuine feelings that are developed. So, unless this is something that you’ve openly discussed with your real-life partner and they’re comfortable with, welcome to the world of micro cheating.

Micro cheating isn’t fully recognized as cheating as much as it is this grey area between being faithful and not….and a tempting stepping stone for many to take it to a dangerous level. It can lead to texting, sexting, inappropriate calls and video chats, or even that ultimate form of betrayal: meeting in person. But, the most dangerous part of it all, honestly, can be the fantasy of falling in love and truly believe that it’s real.

Now, believe me when I say I wholly support the possibility of genuinely finding your perfect other half in Second Life. Just like dating offline, you never know when you will come across someone that you fully click with and decide to explore those feelings with. However, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE, if you start that venture in a shaky situation, it’s probably not going to end well.

Micro cheating in Second Life often can lead to or involve very unhealthy behaviors, such as a partner who is possessive (to the point where they do not respect that you already have a S/O), neglecting the relationship you should be focusing on instead, or even interfering with your social life and free time. I have witnessed many a person fall head first into a virtual relationship that managed to nearly drown in record speed.

In the end, we’re all adults here and can “play” this “game” any way we choose- but in the end, micro cheating in Second Life is a surefire way to create a destructive path to nothing worthwhile.

Bria Oceanside

ZoHa Blogger/Social Media